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f painting was full of artists who had earned nothing at all. He must resign himself to penury and it was worth while if he produced work which was immortal but he had a terrible fear that he would never be more than second rate. Was it worth while for that to give up one s youth, and the gaiety of life, and the manifold chances of being He knew the existence of foreign painters in Paris enough to see that the lives they led were narrowly provincial. He knew some who had dragged along for twenty years in the pursuit of a fame which always escaped them till they sunk into sordidness and alcoholism. Fanny s suicide had aroused memories, and Philip heard ghastly stories of the way in which one person or another had escaped from despair. He remembered the scornful advice which the master had given poor Fanny it would have been well for her medellin soccer jersey if she had taken it and given up an attempt which was hopeless. Philip finished his portrait of Miguel Ajuria and made up his mind to send it to the Salon. Flanagan was sending two pictures, and he thought he could paint as well as Flanagan. He had worked so hard on the portrait that he could not help. feeling it must have merit. It was true medellin soccer jersey that when he looked at it he felt that there was something wrong, though he could not tell what but when he was away from it his spirits went up and he was not dissatisfied. He sent it to the Salon and it was refused. He did not mind much, since he had done all he could to persuade himself that there was little chance that it would be taken, till Flanagan a few days later rushed in to tell Lawson and Philip that one of his pictures was accepted. With a blank face Philip offered his congratulations, and Flanagan was so busy congratulating himself that he did not catch the note of irony which Philip could not prevent from coming into his voice. Lawson, quicker witted, observed it and looked at Philip curiously. His own picture was all right, he knew that a day or two before, and he was vaguely resentful of Philip s attitude. But he was surprised at the sudden question which Philip put him as soon as the American was gone. If you were in my place would you chuck the whole thing What do you mean I wonder if it s worth while being a second rate painter. You see, in other things, if you re a doctor or if you re in business, it doesn t matter so much if you re mediocre. You make a living and you get along. But what is the good of turning out second rate pictures Lawson was fond of.ast night, she said. Oh, that s all right. She gave him a faint s. mile. It reminded Philip of the timid, ingratiating look of a puppy that has been beaten for naughtiness and wants to reconcile himself with his master. I ve been lunching with Harry, she said. Have you If you still want me to go away with you on Saturday, Philip, I ll come. A quick thrill of triumph shot through his real madrid store 08002 barcelona spain heart, but it was a sensation that only lasted an instant it was followed by a suspicion. Because of the money he asked. Partly, she answered simply. Harry can t do anything. He owes five weeks brazil fc store here, and he owes you seven pounds, and his tailor s pressing him for money. He d pawn anything he could, but he s pawned everything already. I had a job to put the woman off about my new dress, and on Saturday there s the book at my lodgings, and I can t get work in five minutes. It always means waiting some little time till there s a vacancy. She said all this in an even, querulous tone, as though she were recounting the injustices of fate, which had to be borne as part of the natural order of things. Philip did not answer. He knew what she told him well enough. You said partly, he observed at last. Well, Harry says you ve been a brick to both of us. You ve been a real good friend to him, he says, and you ve done for me what p raps no other man would have done. We must do the straight thing, he says. And he said what you said about him, that he s fickle by nature, he s not like you, and I should be a fool to throw you away for him. He won t last and you will, he says so himself. D you WANT to come away with me asked Philip. I don t mind. He looked at her, and the corners of his mouth turned down in an expression of misery. He had triumphed indeed, and he was going to have his way. He fts 15 kits celtic 2019 gave a little laugh of derision at his own humiliation. She looked at him quickly, but did not speak. I ve looked forward with all my soul to going away with you, and I thought at last, after all that wretchedness, I was going to be happy He did not finish what he was going to say. And then on a sudden, without warning, Mildred broke into a storm of tears. She was sitting in the chair in which Norah had sat and wept, and like her she hid her face on the back of it, towards the side where there was a little bump formed by the sagging in the middle, where the head had rested. I m not lucky with women, thought Philip. Her thin body was shaken with sobs. Philip had never seen a woman cry with such.notwithstanding the beastly lust that disfigured them, and the meanness of their faces, and the cruelty, notwithstanding the stupidness which was worst of all, the anguish of those fixed eyes made all that crowd terrible and pathetic. Philip loathed them, and yet his heart ached with the infinite pity which filled him. He took his coat from the cloak room and went out into the bitter coldness of the night. chapter 50 Philip could not get the unhappy event out of his head. What troubled him most was the uselessness of Fanny s effort. No one could have worked harder than she, nor with more sincerity she believed in herself with all her heart but it was plain that self confidence meant very little, all his friends had it, Miguel Ajuria among the rest and Philip was shocked by the contrast between the Spaniard s heroic endeavour and the triviality of the thing he attempted. The unhappiness of Philip s life at school had called up in him the power of self analysis and this vice, as subtle as drug taking, had taken possession of him so that he had now a peculiar keenness in the dissection of his feelings. He could not help seeing that art affected him differently from. others. germany jersey on sale A fine picture gave Lawson an immediate thrill. His appreciation was instinctive. Even Flanagan felt certain things which Philip was obliged to think out. His own appreciation was intellectual. He could not help thinking that if he had in him the artistic temperament he hated the phrase, but could discover no other he would feel beauty in the emotional, unreasoning way in which they did. He began to wonder whether he had anything more than a superficial cleverness of the hand which enabled him to copy objects with accuracy. That was nothing. He had learned to despise technical dexterity. The important thing was to feel in terms of paint. Lawson painted in a certain way because it was his nature to, and through the imitativeness of a student sensitive to every influence, there pierced individuality. Philip looked at his own portrait of Ruth Chalice, and now that three months had passed he realised that it was no more than a servile copy of Lawson. He felt himself barren. He medellin soccer jersey painted with the brain, and he could not help knowing that the only painting worth anything was done with the heart. He had very little money, barely sixteen hundred pounds, and it would be necessary for him to practise the severest economy. He could not count on earning anything for ten years. The history o.
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