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When I read a book I seem football shirts age 5-6 to read it with my eyes only, but now and then I come across a passage, perhaps only a phrase, which has a meaning for ME, and it becomes part of me I ve got out of the book all that s any use to me, and I can t get anything more if I football shirts age 5-6 read it a dozen times. You see, it seems to me, one s like a closed bud, and most of what one reads and does has no effect at all but there are certain things that have a peculiar significance for one, and they open a petal and the petals open one by one and at last the flower is there. Philip was not satisfied with his metaphor, but he did not know how else to explain a thing which he felt and yet was not clear about. You want to do things, you want to become things, said Hayward, with a shrug of the shoulders. It s so vulgar. Philip knew Hayward very well by now. He was weak and vain, so vain that you had to be on the watch constantly not to hurt his feelings he mingled idleness and idealism so that he could not separate them. At Lawson s studio one day he met a journalist, who was charmed by his conversation, and a week later the editor of a paper wrote to suggest that he should do some criticism for him. For forty eight hours Hayward lived in an agony of indecision. He had talked of getting occupation of this sort so long that he had not the face to refuse outright, but the thought of doing anything filled him with panic. At last he declined the offer and breathed freely. It would have interfered with my work, he told Philip. What work asked Philip brutally. My inner life, he a.
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Once or twice the possibility of suicide presented itself to him it would be easy to get something from the hospital dispensary and it was a comfort to think that if the worst came to the worst he had at hand means of making a painless end of himself but it was not a course that he considered seriously. When Mildred had left him to go with Griffiths his anguish had been so great that he wanted to die in order to get rid of the pain. He did not feel like that now. He remembered that the Casualty Sister had told him how people oftener did away with themselves for want of money than for want of love and he chuckled when he thought that he was an exception. He wished only that he could talk his worries over with somebody but he could not bring himself to confess them. He was ashamed. He went on looking for work. He left his rent unpaid for three weeks explaining to his landlady that he would get money at the end of the month she did not say anything but pursed her lips and looked grim. When the end of the month came and she asked if it would be convenient for him to pay something on account it made him feel very sick to say that he could not he told her he would write to his uncle and was sure to be able to settle his bill on the following Saturday. Well I ope you will Mr. Carey because I ave my rent to pay and I can t afford to let accounts run on. She did not speak with anger but with determination that was rather frightening. She paused for a moment and then said If you don t pay next Saturday I shall ave to complain to the secretary of the ospital. Oh yes that ll be all right. She looked a.