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her name he could not get himself out of the awkward habit of reddening when he was embarrassed , and Lawson looked at him quizzically. Lawson, who now spent most of the year in London, had so far surrendered to his environment as to wear his hair short and to dress himself in a neat serge suit and a bowler hat. I gather that all is over between you, he said. I ve not seen her for months. She was looking rather nice. She had a very smart hat on with a lot of white ostrich feathers on it. She must be doing pretty well. Philip changed the conversation, but he kept thinking of her, and after an interval, when the three of them were talking of something else, he asked suddenly cheap football shirts replica review Did you gather that Norah was angry with me Not a bit. She talked very nicely of you. I ve got half a mind to go and see her. She won t eat you. Philip had thought of Norah often. 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He made up his mind to throw himself on her mercy. She must have suffered horribly, but he felt she had brazil national jersey the greatness of heart to forgive him she was incapable of malice. Should he write to her No. He would break in on her suddenly and cast himself at her feet he knew that when the time came he. would feel too shy to perform such a dramatic gesture, but that was how he liked to think of it and tell her that if she would take him back she might rely on him for ever. He was cured of the hateful disease from which he had suffered, he knew her worth, and now she might trust him. His imagination leaped forward to the future. He pictured himself rowing with her on the river on Sundays he w.would look at him with satisfaction, and the poor devils who had failed would sympathise with him in order to receive sympathy. His instinct was not to go near the hospital for a week, when the affair would be no more thought of, but, because he hated so much to go just then, he went he wanted to inflict suffering upon himself. He forgot for the moment his maxim of life to follow his inclinations with due regard for the policeman round the corner or, if he acted in accordance with it, there must have been some strange morbidity in his nature which made him take a grim pleasure in self torture. But later on, when he had endured the ordeal to which he forced himself, going out into the night after the noisy conversation in the smoking room, he was seized with a feeling of utter loneliness. He seemed to himself absurd and futile. He had an urgent need of consolation, and the temptation to see Mildred was irresistible. He thought bitterly that there was small chance of consolation from her but he wanted to see her even if he did not speak to her after all, she was a waitress and would be obliged to serve him. She was the only person in the world he cared for. There was no use in hiding that fact from himself. Of course it would be humiliating to go back to the shop as though nothing had happened, but he had not much self respect left. Though he would not confess it to himself, he had hoped each day that she would write to him she knew that a letter addressed to the hospital would find him but she had not written it was evident that she cared nothing if she saw him again or not. And he kept on repeating to himself I must see her. I must see her. The desire was so great that he could not give the time necessary to walk, but jumped in a cab. He was too thrifty to use one when it could possibly be avoided. He stood outside the shop for a minute or two. The thought came to him that perhaps she had left, and in terror he walked in quickly. He saw her at once. He sat down and she came up to him. A cup of tea and a muffin, please, he ordered. He could hardly speak. He was afraid for a moment that he was going to cry. I al. most thought you was dead, she said. She was smiling. Smiling She seemed to have forgotten completely that last scene which Philip had repeated to himself a hundred times. I thought if you d wanted to see me you d write, he answered. I ve got too much to do to think about writing real madrid uniform 2019 letters. It seemed impossible for her to say a gracious t.tters to various friends. He did not know what a troubling effect they had upon Philip they seemed to make his life very humdrum. With the spring Hayward grew dithyrambic. He proposed that Philip should come down to Italy. He was wasting his time at Heidelberg. The Germans were gross and life there was common how could the soul come to her own in that prim landscape In Tuscany the spring was scattering flowers through the land, and Philip was nineteen let him come and they could wander through the mountain towns of Umbria. Their names sang in Philip s heart. And Cacilie too, with her lover, had gone to Italy. When he thought of them Philip was seized with a restlessness he could not account for. He cursed his fate because he had no money to travel, and he knew his uncle would not send him more than the fifteen pounds a month which had been agreed upon. He had not managed his allowance very well. His pension and the price of his lessons left him very little over, and he had found going about with Hayward expensive. Hayward had often suggested excursions, a visit to the play, or a bottle of wine, when Philip had come to the end of his month s money and with the folly of his age he had been unwilling to confess he could not afford an extravagance. Luckily Hayward s letters came seldom, and in the intervals Philip settled down again to his industrious life. He had matriculated at the university and attended one or two courses of lectures. Kuno Fischer was then at the height of his fame and during the winter had been lecturing brilliantly on Schopenhauer. It was Philip s introduction to philosophy. He had a practical mind and moved uneasily amid the abstract but he found an unexpected fascination in listening to metaphysical disquisitions they made him breathless it was a little like watching a tight rope dancer doing perilous feats over an abyss but it was very exciting. The pessimism of the subject attracted his youth and he believed that the world he was about to enter was a place of pitiless woe and of darkness. That made him none the less eager to enter it and when, in due course, Mrs. Carey, acting as the correspondent for his guardian s views, suggested that it was time for him to come back to England, he agreed with enthusiasm. He must make up his mind now what he meant to do. If he left Heidelberg at the end of July they could talk things over during August, and it would be a good time to make arrangements. Th.
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